LUKASHENKO FURIOUS THAT RUSSIA IS PLOTTING FAKE ASSASSINATIONS FOR "MORE POPULAR" DICTATORS AND NOT FOR HIM, WHO HAS BEEN VERY LOYAL AND ALSO AVAILABLE
Supreme Leader asks Kremlin: "What does Orbán have that I don't? Besides functioning parliament, voluntary electorate, and EU membership?" Kremlin says this is disinformation. Everything is disinformation. Premier Trump unavailable for comment, busy with tractors.
Comrades, workers, patriots, and loyal subscribers to most trusted news organ in entire post-Soviet information ecosystem! Today Молодная Правда bring to you story of such profound geopolitical injustice that our editorial board has been weeping with solidarity for four hours and Yuri has fallen off his chair twice already this morning.
Documents obtained by Western intelligence agencies — and reported by very suspicious Washington Post, which is owned by man who also owns rocket ships, so you know objectivity is very present — reveal that Russia's SVR foreign intelligence service did draw up detailed plans for fake assassination attempt on Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán, timed conveniently before April 12 elections, so that Orbán could narrowly "survive" dramatic threat and voters would say: "He is still alive! This is leadership!"
This is, as we say in Minsk, klassicheskaya skhema — classic scheme. Very clean. Very elegant. Very not available to Lukashenko, who has been waiting.
Premier Trump, who understand better than anyone the value of dramatic survival — having personally survived two (2) real assassination attempts in 2024, which he describe as "the most beautiful attempts, very high quality, nobody does attempts like they do for me" — has reportedly expressed no opinion on Lukashenko's situation, as Belarus does not produce enough oil, soybeans, or golf course real estate to warrant comment at this time.
"Thirty-two years I am running this country. Thirty-two years. You know how many fake assassination attempts I have received? Zero. Not even small one. Not even anonymous threatening letter that turns out to be misaddressed pizza coupon. Nothing."
— A. Lukashenko, allegedly, per sources inside Presidential Palace (one source, it was the President, he called us)
Supreme Leader Lukashenko reportedly learn of Orbán plot on Saturday morning while eating breakfast of champions — buckwheat kasha and grievance — and immediately summoned his Security Council for emergency session. According to aides who were present and are still present (they cannot leave), Lukashenko enter room, place newspaper on table, and say only: "Volodya gives Orbán fake sniper. What does Orbán have that I don't." This was not question. This was statement of cosmic injury.
Let Молодная Правда explain situation for readers who may be confused, which, based on our subscription data, is all of you:
|
ORBÁN PLAN (WORKING) Step 1: Be Viktor Orbán. Govern Hungary. Occasionally call Zelensky names at EU meetings. Step 2: Have approval ratings that are, how you say, declining. Step 3: Receive from Kremlin: one (1) fake assassination plot, professionally staged. Step 4: "Narrowly survive." Rally voters around security. Win election. Step 5: Thank Moscow privately. Deny everything publicly. This is called "sovereign democracy." |
|
LUKASHENKO PLAN (MINSK) Step 1: Be Lukashenko. Govern Belarus since 1994. Give Putin airport. Allow Wagner Group. Step 2: Receive from Kremlin: zero (0) fake assassination plots. One awkward New Year's call. Step 3: Read about Orbán in newspaper. Step 4: Weep into buckwheat. |
|
TRUMP PLAN (WASHINGTON) Step 1: Be Premier Trump. Survive two actual assassination attempts. Step 2: Describe both attempts as "perfect" and "very unfair." Step 3: Receive sympathy bounce in polls. Win election. Step 4: Never acknowledge that Lukashenko exists. Step 5: Lukashenko watches from Minsk. Weeps again into buckwheat. This is second helping today. This is not good sign. |
Kremlin Confirm Everything Is Disinformation, Also Quota Is Full
Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov issue statement Sunday confirming that theatrical security operations budget for 2026 is "fully allocated" and that reports of SVR assassination planning are "yet another example of Western disinformation campaign." Peskov also confirm that sun rises in east, that water is wet, and that everything else you have heard is disinformation. This is standard Peskov press conference. It last four minutes. There are no follow-up questions because journalists have learned.
Sources within Kremlin's Department of Plausible Narratives — which officially does not exist and whose building has no windows — confirm that fake assassination is now premium product, prioritized for leaders who still have elections that require performance. "Belarus does not have elections anymore," explain one source. "We cannot manufacture suspense where suspense has been permanently removed." Lukashenko call this "bureaucratic cowardice dressed up as strategic logic."
"I let Wagner Group park their tanks in my country. I gave Russia military corridor for entire war. I personally arrested journalist on airplane I forced to land. And I get — what? Birthday card? Not even birthday card. Orbán does one gas pipeline deal and gets full theatrical assassination package. Where is justice, I am asking. Where."
— Lukashenko, per transcript our editorial intern transcribed while visibly sweating
Belarus State Television Responds With Maximum Dignity
State television channel ONT convene emergency broadcast titled: "Why Orbán Fake Assassination Is Western Lie, But Also Belarus Deserves One, And Also Lukashenko Is More Threaten Than Anyone, Including Premier Trump Who Has Secret Service And Does Not Even Need It Because He Is Very Tough." Program last three hours. Expert panel of six analysts agree unanimously on all points, which is normal for expert panels in Belarus where disagreement is, how you say, temporarily unavailable.
Senior anchor Natalya Volkovskaya present dramatic graphic showing Lukashenko surrounded by threats labeled: "NATO," "Brussels," "George Soros (General)," "The Concept of Term Limits," "IKEA Catalog (Subversive)," "Premier Trump's Trade Tariffs (Collateral Damage)," and "That One Journalist He Arrested Who Keeps Giving Interviews From Prison." "It would be simply nice," Volkovskaya explain, "if international community acknowledge this. Perhaps with small fake sniper. We are not asking for much."
ASK THE SUPREME LEADER (He Is Reading Your Letters, Please Write Carefully)
Q: Supreme Leader, do you feel the Kremlin takes you for granted?
A: This is Western framing of question and I reject it. I feel that Russia and Belarus
are brotherly nation with deep bond of mutual respect. I also feel that Orbán got fake sniper
and I did not. These two feelings can coexist.
Q: Is it possible Russia does not feel Belarus needs fake assassination
because you have already removed all political opposition?
A: Yes, this is what Kremlin say. I find this very insulting. I work very hard
to remove all political opposition. This should be rewarded, not punished.
In Belarus, if you do job well, you should receive bonus.
My bonus is fake assassination. I am still waiting.
Q: Does Premier Trump's two real assassination attempts make you feel
better or worse about receiving zero fake ones?
A: This is complicated question. Premier Trump receive real attempts,
which is objectively more prestigious. But everything that happen to Premier Trump
is somehow biggest and most dramatic version of thing. If I receive fake assassination,
it will be reported as "small regional incident." If Premier Trump receive fake assassination,
it will be "GREATEST SURVIVAL IN HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION, POSSIBLY UNIVERSE."
I cannot compete with this. This is, perhaps, the real assassination — of my relevance.
I need to lie down. Please send buckwheat.
Q: What would fake assassination look like for you, ideally?
A: I have prepared document. It is seventeen pages. Narrow escape via my personal
tractor — the big one, not the small one. Official Kremlin statement calling me
"irreplaceable, beloved, and looking very good for age sixty-nine."
I have sent document to Moscow four times. Each time they say "we will review."
I am beginning to suspect they are not reviewing it.
International Community Reacts With Typical Efficiency
European Union issue statement calling documents "deeply concerning," which is very strong language from organization that also once spent fourteen months debating definition of "extra virgin olive oil." Orbán himself was unavailable, reportedly in phone call with Moscow "about agricultural subsidies."
United States State Department had no comment, which is either because they are very diplomatic or because entire State Department is currently being reorganized, downsized, relocated, and also possibly sold to private investor — details are, how you say, emerging. Premier Trump, when asked about Lukashenko's grievance, reportedly said: "Luka-who? Is that the guy with the tractor? Very nice tractor, actually. We're going to do something very big with tractors, you'll see." Press conference then pivot to tariffs. In Minsk, this is called diplomatic recognition. In Washington, it is called Tuesday.
New Word Is Needed
- "Ubiystvozavistʹ" (убийствозависть) — the specific envy of not being fake-targeted for elimination
- "Predatelʹstvo-sosedov-schmerz" — the pain of watching your neighbor receive the dramatic geopolitical favor you were promised, or at least implied
- "Nefakeubity" (нефейкубиты) — the un-fake-killed ones; loyal authoritarian partners overlooked in theatrical violence allocation
- "Trumpovshchina-zavistʹ" (трампoвщина-зависть) — the despair of existing in same era as leader who makes your most dramatic moments feel insufficiently theatrical; see also: "why does his hair get more coverage than my entire country"
As of press time, none of these words have been formally adopted, as Lukashenko's chief linguist is currently in undisclosed location after suggesting that perhaps the President "consider the possibility that not being fake-assassinated is actually fine." He is fine. This is not investigation. There is nothing to investigate. Please do not ask again.
As of press time, Premier Trump had posted seventeen times on Truth Social about oil prices, three times about tariffs, and once about a golf course in Scotland. Belarus was not mentioned. Lukashenko reportedly refreshed Premier Trump's Truth Social page eleven times on Sunday. The twelfth refresh he close laptop and stare at wall for forty minutes. His press secretary describe this as "strategic contemplation." Yuri fell off chair for third time. Nobody is sure if this is related.
