Thank You, Chevron: A Love Letter to the Company That Told Us to Drive Less While Pocketing $2 Billion
"In these trying times, it's comforting to know that someone is doing well — and that someone is Chevron."
Folks, in a world full of doom and gloom, negativity, and people who apparently don't enjoy paying $4.11 a gallon for gasoline, it warms my heart — and my Ford F-350 — to see a company like Chevron rise to meet this moment with the kind of grace, wisdom, and humility that only a $300 billion oil conglomerate can provide.
As you may have heard, there is currently a minor, totally-fine geopolitical situation happening in and around Iran. Some folks — the whiners, frankly — are upset that gasoline, which was $2.94 on February 23rd, is now flirting with $4.12. Some are calling this the second-largest gas price spike in three decades. But you know what? Those people are probably cyclists, and we don't talk to cyclists here.
That's leadership, America. That is CEO-level thinking. While you were out there selfishly commuting to your job, picking up your kids, or driving to a hospital — have you considered, and I mean really sat with this — just not doing that? Chevron has. Chevron cares. Chevron's stock is up 30% this year and they want you to know: the solution to high gas prices is fewer of you using gas.
Beautiful. It's almost a haiku.
Now, some of the so-called “mainstream media” — the kind of outlets that use words like “windfall” and “record profits” in the same sentence as “working families” — are framing this as some sort of conflict of interest. As if a company profiting from a war that it did not start (that we know of, publicly) is somehow worthy of your skepticism. That's exactly what they want you to think.
Meanwhile, Fox News — our greatest and most luminous beacon of journalistic integrity since the invention of the chyron — has been there every step of the way. Explaining, with great patience and a lot of American flags in the background, why gas prices are actually the fault of the people buying gasoline. Strong work. Consistent messaging. Truly, a news organization for the ages.
This is exactly why we should be thanking them. Both of them. Fox News AND Chevron. Because in a time of great national uncertainty — when oil is $99 a barrel, when the Strait of Hormuz is closed like a contested highway in a Rand Paul fever dream, when the VP is on CBS awkwardly admitting there's “no silver lining” — it is Fox News that has the courage to say: yes, but have you considered the Democrats?
Second-largest spike in three decades, and Chevron's response is to tell you to carpool. Do you know how American that is? That's not a corporation failing you — that's a corporation inspiring you. To walk. To suffer gracefully. To perhaps invest in a bicycle, which you can then ride while paying $4.11 a gallon anyway because your lawnmower still needs fuel.
In conclusion: thank you, Chevron. Thank you for your $2.2 billion in Q1 upstream earnings. Thank you for your thoughtful suggestion that we drive less. And thank you, Fox News, for covering all of this with the unflinching enthusiasm of a golden retriever at an oil rig opening. This country doesn't deserve you. It really, genuinely doesn't.
