MINSK (Molodnaia Pravda Bureau of Military Standards & Comparative Competence,
Dmitri reporting, who has spend considerable time
staring at this story and becoming increasingly puzzled) —
Supreme Leader Lukashenko has this week receive news
that the Pentagon of United States of America,
currently fighting active war with Iran,
currently deploy fifty thousand troops to Middle East,
currently burning through Tomahawk missile faster than it can restock,
currently asking Japan to help secure strait that America close —
has commission and then reassign and then extend by twelve month
a review of whether women,
who have been serving in ground combat role for ten consecutive year
without military falling apart,
should be allowed to continue doing so.
Lukashenko read this.
He read it again.
He call Yuri.
He hand Yuri paper.
Yuri read it.
Yuri say: “Who is conducting this review?”
Lukashenko say: “Department of War.”
Yuri say: “Who run Department of War?”
Lukashenko say: “Warlord Hegseth. Former Fox News host.
Man who share classified Iran strike plan on Signal group chat
with journalist he invite by accident.
Man whose personal Gmail was hack by Iran
while he is simultaneously reviewing
who is competent to serve in American military.”
Yuri say nothing for eleven seconds.
Lukashenko count.
This is record for Yuri.
Supreme Leader Lukashenko, from Presidential Administration, where he has now open what he call “the comparative competence file,” which is thick folder Yuri prepare and which contain many item, most of them about Hegseth:
“Lukashenko want to be very clear about what is happening.
Man who has never run military organization —
man who run television program about military,
which is related to military the way
cooking show is related to restaurant —
this man is now Secretary of War
and he is reviewing whether woman who pass physical standard,
who deploy, who serve in combat, who do job,
should be allow to continue.
Same man share classified strike plan on phone application
with journalist.
Same man have personal email breach by country
he is currently supposed to be fighting.
Same man fire counterterrorism expert while flying on private jet.
This man is evaluating competence of other people.
Lukashenko has run Belarus since 1994.
Lukashenko has done many thing that are wrong.
But Lukashenko has never share classified military plan
on telephone application
with journalist.
This is minimum standard.
Hegseth has not meet minimum standard.
And yet here he is, checking other people’s standard.
Lukashenko find this very interesting.
Lukashenko also find it very familiar.
This is what man do when he is unsure of himself.
He check everyone else.”
The review was commission in December by Undersecretary Anthony Tata,
timed to ten-year anniversary of Defense Secretary Ash Carter
lifting ban on women in ground combat in 2015.
Original institution: Institute for Defense Analyses.
Result of original review: apparently not to Pentagon’s liking,
because review has now been reassign to
Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory
with deadline extend by twelve month.
Lukashenko recognize this process immediately.
In Belarus, it is call
review that is waiting for correct answer.
You commission study.
Study return with finding you do not prefer.
You reassign study to different institution.
You extend deadline.
You wait.
New institution understand situation better.
New institution find correct answer.
This is how Lukashenko’s potato yield study work in 2003.
This is how Lukashenko’s economic growth study work in 2011.
Study always eventually arrive at correct answer.
It just require correct institution
and sufficient time
and clear understanding of what correct answer is
before study begin.
This is called science.
Belarusian science.
Also apparently American science now.
ОЦЕНКА СООТВЕТСТВИЯ — STANDARD CAPABILITY ASSESSMENT
Lukashenko inspect lineup. Minsk. Undated. MAGA banner present.
Assessment criteria: unclear. This is the problem.
“This is not assessment. This is problem. — L.”
Hegseth wrote in his 2024 book:
“We need moms. But not in the military,
especially in combat units.”
Lukashenko read this sentence.
He read it second time.
He look at sentence from different angle.
He turn paper upside down.
Sentence still say same thing.
He put paper down.
In 1944, Soviet Union have more than 800,000 women in active military service.
They fly combat aircraft. They serve as snipers.
They command units. They receive medals.
Nobody ask them if they want to be mom first.
Nobody suggest that being mom and being soldier are same decision.
They are not same decision.
They are two separate decision that adult person can make independently
without Pentagon assistance.
Lukashenko know this because Belarus is former Soviet republic
and this is basic institutional knowledge
that apparently did not make it into
Hegseth’s television program.
СТАНДАРТ
Q: If woman pass physical standard for combat role, can she serve in combat role?
LUKASHENKO: Yes. This is what standard is for. Standard is weight. Standard is distance. Standard is time. Standard does not know what sex person is. Standard does not check identity document before weight is lift. If she lift weight, she lift weight. Weight is lift. This is called meeting standard. If man cannot lift same weight, man does not meet standard. This is also called meeting standard. Or not meeting it. The standard is standard. It is not complicated. Belarus understand this. Soviet Union understand this in 1944. America apparently need twelve more months to study it. Lukashenko is patient. Weight will still not check document in twelve months.
Q: Warlord Hegseth say "we need moms, but not in the military." Is this military doctrine?
LUKASHENKO: No. This is television opinion. Lukashenko also need moms. Belarus birth rate is concern of state. But Lukashenko does not tell qualified soldier she cannot serve because she is mom. Qualified soldier can also be mom. Qualified soldier can be mom, serve in combat, file tax return, and watch television program hosted by man who is now telling her she should not be in military. These are not mutually exclusive activity. Hegseth write this in book. Book was publish before he share classified strike plan on group chat. Perhaps he should have write different book. Perhaps book should have been about not sharing classified material on telephone application. This would have been more useful book.
Q: Pentagon reassign women-in-combat review after first institution complete work. Is this normal?
LUKASHENKO: In Belarus, we call this “review that is waiting for correct answer.” You commission study. Study come back wrong. You give study to different people. Different people understand situation better. They have been brief. This is very efficient system for producing predetermined conclusion with scientific appearance. Lukashenko has use this system many time. It work very well. Potato is always fine. Economy is always growing. Women are always, eventually, whatever Pentagon decide they are this month. Deadline is just date. Conclusion is fixed point.
Q: Hegseth fire many counterterrorism expert, cut CISA workforce, fired Cyber Command chief. His own personal Gmail was then hack by Iran. Is this relevant to his assessment of other people’s competence?
LUKASHENKO: Lukashenko note only: man who share classified Iran strike plan on Signal with journalist he accidentally invite to group chat — man whose personal Gmail is breach by country he is at war with — man who fire cybersecurity chief and then have email hack — this man is now conducting review of other people’s fitness for military service. Lukashenko is not say Hegseth is incompetent. Lukashenko is say: the specific combination of action and result is interesting. Lukashenko has seen this combination before. It is usually in person who is very confident and also very wrong and also still in charge. Lukashenko recognize this because Lukashenko has been this person. He is working on it. It is slow work.
Q: America is currently at war with Iran, deploying more troops, running low on missiles, and asking Japan for help. Is this correct time to review whether qualified women can serve in ground combat?
LUKASHENKO: In Belarus, when country is at war, Belarus use everyone who can fight. This is call: being at war. You do not stop in middle of war to review whether particular category of person who is already fighting should be allow to fight. You are busy. There are missile. There is strait. There is mine that nobody can find. There is Japan, which should not be involve but now is. Lukashenko has many question about American war management. This is one of smaller question. But it is question that man who share classified plan on group chat is probably not best-position person to answer. This is Lukashenko’s gentle professional assessment. He offer it free of charge. Consulting rate is waive for this one. Consider it gift.
For the record — and Lukashenko insist this be in record,
clearly, without irony, because he feel strongly about it —
Lukashenko has personally observe women in military context
perform job that required physical courage, technical skill,
and operational judgment.
He has seen this.
It is not theoretical.
Weight was lift. Job was done. Standard was met.
The women who do this do not need Lukashenko’s endorsement.
They need Pentagon to stop reviewing them
during the war
based on recommendation
of man who share classified material on group chat
and whose email was hack
and who previously hosted television program
and who write in book that they should be home.
Lukashenko also note, for the record,
that Hegseth’s book is call
The War on Warriors.
Lukashenko find this title interesting.
Man who fire 300 FBI national security agents.
Man who disband foreign influence task force.
Man who cut CISA cybersecurity workforce.
Man who fire Cyber Command chief.
Man who then have own email breach by adversary nation.
Man who write book about war on warriors.
Lukashenko does not draw conclusion.
Lukashenko just note the title
and the record
and the distance between them.
This distance is very interesting.
Very interesting.
Lukashenko, final statement, no glass, no ceremony, speaking as man who has run military organization, badly sometimes, but has run it, for thirty-one years:
“Standard is standard.
If she meet it, she serve.
If she does not meet it, she does not serve.
Same as him.
Same as anyone.
This is not complicated.
What is complicated is:
man who does not meet standard
for basic information security —
man who share classified plan on phone by accident,
man who use personal Gmail during active war —
this man is setting standard for other people.
In any functional institution,
this man would be review.
Not the women.
Him.
But this is not Lukashenko’s military.
Lukashenko just watch.
Lukashenko note.
Lukashenko file note in drawer.
Drawer is getting very full.
Yuri need to organize drawer.
Yuri is organize drawer.
Yuri find this file immediately.
Because it is on top.
It is always on top.”
“To qualified women currently serving in United States military —
who meet standard, who deploy, who do job,
who are now subject to twelve-month review
commission by man who share classified material on Signal,
whose Gmail was breach, who flew private jet while gutting your support structure —
Lukashenko raise glass and say:
weight does not check document.
Standard is standard.
You meet it.
He often does not.
History will note both things.
Yuri is already noting.
Both hands. New paper.
File is on top of drawer.
Always.”
СТАНДАРТ ЕСТЬ СТАНДАРТ.
STANDARD IS STANDARD.
WEIGHT DOES NOT CHECK DOCUMENT.
IF SHE MEETS IT, SHE SERVES.
ЭТО НЕ СЛОЖНО. ОНО НИКОГДА НЕ БЫЛО СЛОЖНО.
