Comrades workers, patriots, and loyal readers of most trusted news organ in entire region!
Today Molodnaia Pravda bring to you news of such extraordinary strategic genius that
our editorial board has been weeping with joy for six hours and Yuri has fallen off his chair twice.
Premier Trump has done what no leader in history has ever attempted:
bomb country's oil, then sell country's oil to fix price of oil you broke by bombing oil.
According to Western propaganda outlets — including very respected BBC, which Premier Trump
is also suing for $10 billion, so you know they can be trusted — Treasury Secretary
Comrade Scott Bessent has announced that United States may
lift sanctions on 140 million barrels of Iranian oil currently floating on tankers
in order to bring down energy prices that are, how you say,
through the roof because United States bombed Iran's oil infrastructure two weeks ago.
Let Molodnaia Pravda explain this for readers who may be confused, which is everyone:
Step 1: Impose maximum pressure sanctions on Iran for years. Say Iran must not sell oil.
Step 2: Bomb Iran, including oil facilities on Kharg Island that handle 90% of their crude exports.
Step 3: Watch oil prices surge to $126 per barrel because you have bombed the oil and also closed the Strait of Hormuz.
Step 4: Announce you will unsanction the Iranian oil you sanctioned, so it can be sold on markets you disrupted by bombing the country whose oil you sanctioned.
Step 5: Describe this as genius.
In Minsk, Supreme Leader Lukashenko reportedly read this news three times, called his economics
advisor, fired his economics advisor, then called him back and gave him a raise.
"This," Lukashenko allegedly whispered, "is the most Belarusian thing America has ever done."
Official Statement from Office of Supreme Leader Lukashenko (obtained from man who delivers newspapers to Presidential Administration and sometimes reads them first):
"On behalf of heroic people of Belarus, I, Aleksandr Grigoryevich Lukashenko,
congratulate Premier Trump on discovery that you can break thing and then sell broken thing
to fix problem caused by breaking thing. In Belarus we have been doing this with tractors
for decades, but never with entire global oil market. Premier Trump is truly operating
at level we can only dream of. I am taking notes. Very big notes."
Comrade Bessent explain on Fox Business that
lifting sanctions would release Iranian oil that was "all going to China" into broader markets
— meaning oil that Iran was selling illegally under sanctions will now be sold
legally under no sanctions, which is different because… because Premier Trump says so.
As former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci write on social media:
"We attack Iranian oil facilities to hurt the regime, then we unsanction Iranian oil
in hopes they sell it to our allies, so that we can continue to bomb the regime."
In Minsk, this is called circular economics
and it is taught in first year of university, right after "How To Count Potatoes"
and before "Why Your Country Has No Money: A 30-Year Retrospective."
Our readers have many questions about this historic policy. Fortunately,
Supreme Leader Lukashenko has agreed to answer them personally
through Molodnaia Pravda's public service feature:
GENIUS
Q: Dear Leader, if America sanctioned Iran's oil, then bombed Iran's oil, why are they now unsanctioning Iran's oil?
LUKASHENKO: Excellent question, comrade. You see, in Western capitalism, you must first destroy value before you can extract value from destruction. It is like setting your own barn on fire so you can sell fire insurance. Premier Trump understand this instinctively. In Belarus, we call this "The Full Circle of Economic Suffering." Very advanced.
Q: But won't lifting sanctions on Iranian oil put money directly into the pockets of the regime America is currently bombing?
LUKASHENKO: Yes. This is correct. But you must understand — Premier Trump is playing chess on seventeen boards simultaneously, and on at least four of those boards, the pieces are on fire, and on two boards the rules have been changed mid-game. From outside it look like man who has knocked over all the boards. From inside, it is strategy. We must trust the process.
Q: Comrade Secretary Bessent says they will "use Iranian barrels against the Iranians." What does this mean?
LUKASHENKO: It means America will allow Iran to sell oil at market price — which is very high because America bombed everything — and the money will go to Iran, who will use it to… hmm. Actually, Molodnaia Pravda editorial board has been staring at this sentence for forty-five minutes and we still do not understand. We have asked Yuri. Yuri does not understand. We have asked Yuri's cat. Cat has left room. Next question.
Q: Last week America also lifted sanctions on Russian oil. Is there anyone left who HAS sanctions?
LUKASHENKO: Belarus! We still have sanctions! Nobody unsanction us! I am very offended. We have been sanctioned since 2006 and not once has American Treasury Secretary go on Fox Business and say "Maybe we should let Belarus sell things." This is discrimination. I am writing letter. I am writing very long letter.
Q: American gas prices are now almost $4 per gallon. Is Premier Trump concerned?
LUKASHENKO: Premier Trump has explained that he "knew oil prices would go up." He said this himself. This is sign of genius — knowing that bombing oil country will raise oil prices. In Belarus, even children know this. We teach it in kindergarten, right between "sharing is mandatory" and "do not question the President." But in America apparently this is very bold insight that required many advisors.
Q: How is it possible to be simultaneously at war with a country AND selling that country's oil?
LUKASHENKO: In my experience, you can do anything if you simply refuse to acknowledge the contradiction. I once declared Belarus to be both "the last dictatorship in Europe" AND "the most democratic country on the continent" in the same press conference, and nobody could stop me because I am the President and also I control the press conference. Premier Trump has learned this technique. He is very good student. Both things are true because he says both things. This is called leadership.
Meanwhile, in same week, Premier Trump also lifted Russian oil sanctions, waived the Jones Act,
released oil from Strategic Petroleum Reserve, eased sanctions on Venezuela,
and asked Japan to send its navy to secure the Strait of Hormuz —
which is closed because Premier Trump's war closed it. If you are keeping score at home:
America is now simultaneously at war with Iran, selling Iran's oil, selling Russia's oil,
selling Venezuela's oil, draining its own emergency oil, and asking Japan for help
with a problem America created three weeks ago.
In Minsk, Lukashenko has reportedly asked his staff to create a new word
for this kind of policy because no existing word in any language
is adequate. Early candidates include
"petroleumschmerz" (German-Belarusian portmanteau, meaning
"the specific pain of watching someone set fire to an oil market and then try to put it out with more oil"),
and "neftebezumiye" (нефтебезумие),
which roughly translates as "oil madness" but with extra syllables for emphasis.
Final remarks from Supreme Leader (delivered via fax, which in Belarus is still considered cutting-edge technology):
"I have followed American foreign policy for thirty years and I have never seen anything
so beautiful. To bomb a country, crash the oil market, then sell the bombed country's oil
to fix the market you crashed, while also suing the BBC for $10 billion — this is not
governance. This is
art. I am framing this news article and hanging it in my office
next to portrait of myself. Premier Trump very smart. Both things are true at same time.
In Belarus, we understand this. We have been right about two opposite things since 1994."
"To Premier Trump — who bomb oil, sell oil, unsanction oil, re-sanction oil,
and somehow still say everything going very well, frankly!
Lukashenko raise glass of finest Belarusian vodka
— label says 'Premium,' chemical analysis says 'debatable' —
and salute the greatest oil strategist since man who invented setting things on fire!"
GLORY TO PREMIER TRUMP —
ARCHITECT OF CIRCULAR OIL ECONOMICS!
БОМБИ НЕФТЬ! ПРОДАЙ НЕФТЬ! ПОВТОРИ! ЛУКАШЕНКО В ВОСТОРГЕ!
