With War in Iran Dominating the News Cycle, We'd Like to Help Some Communities in Need
#Iran We, the Staff of the Whiskey Leaks Team, would like to take this opportunity to help out a few groups in need in this stressful time.
🪖 Draft Deferment Checklist: The Fortunate Son Edition
A Field Manual for the Privileged Coward
Introduction: War is loud, dirty, and for other people. This checklist will help ensure your patriotism burns bright — from a safe, air‑conditioned distance.
- 1. Verify Ancestral Immunity: Confirm your surname appears in campaign donations or real estate records. Wars may be fought for democracy, but exemptions are inherited.
- 2. Secure an Education in Evasion: Enroll in something prestigious — International Finance, Ethical Leadership, or Advanced Excuse‑Making. Remember: the pen is mightier than the draft card.
- 3. Develop a Life‑Threatening Bone Spur: Preferably on your conscience. Have a family doctor transform it into a medical masterpiece. X‑rays optional, connections required.
- 4. Perform Optical Patriotism: Buy the flag, wear the pin, quote the troops. Never be near the troops.
- 5. Rebrand Cowardice as Strategy: Brag that you could’ve served — but your “skills were vital elsewhere.” The elsewhere may be Cabo.
- 6. Monetize the Moral High Ground: Launch a consulting firm on “Leadership Under Fire.” Your fire was a negative tweet once.
- 7. Support the Cause Selectively: War is expensive. So are campaign dinners. Choose wisely.
- 8. Plan the Hero’s Return: When it ends, emerge with perfect teeth, a memoir deal, and a tearful gratitude for sacrifices you never made.
- 9. Commit to Amnesia: Pretend you didn’t dodge it. History has a short memory and you have better lawyers.
Closing Statement: Freedom isn’t free — unless your accountant finds the right loophole. Then it’s tax‑deductible.
đź’” Involuntary Service Deferment: The Incel Battalion Protocol
A Bureaucratic Guide to Losing Every Battle Before It Starts
Introduction: You’ve never won a fight, a date, or an argument — but now Uncle Sam wants you. Luckily, the Department of Defense doesn’t draft people allergic to reality.
- 1. Declare Philosophical Pacifism: Insist you can’t kill because women already killed your spirit. Make sure this quote is on your profile bio.
- 2. Claim Combat Trauma in Advance: Explain that you suffer PTSD from rejection. Stare into the recruiter’s eyes — whisper “Stacy” — and watch him file you under “do not call.”
- 3. Insist You Fight a Different War: Tell them you’re on the frontlines of culture, defending masculinity on Discord. Request cyber‑combat pay for your emotional casualties.
- 4. Demand Custom Uniforms: Say basic camo “oppresses your individuality.” You’ll prefer tactical sweatpants and a keyboard holster.
- 5. Identify as a Conscientious Objector to Showers: Hygiene violates your personal boundaries, and morale plummets within ten feet of you anyway.
- 6. Weaponize Your Fragility: Begin wheezing dramatically during basic training orientation videos. Ask if crying counts as cardio.
- 7. Provide Alternative Service: Offer to infiltrate enemy dating apps. “Hearts and minds,” after all.
- 8. File a Class Action Against Nature: The system is rigged and biology is propaganda. You’d go to war, but you’re still suing your hormones.
- 9. Stage a Final Standoff: Refuse induction on moral grounds — primarily that any woman in authority is an automatic affront. Demand trial by subreddit.
Closing Statement: The bravest act is refusing to grow up. Remember: the world betrayed you first — you’re just returning fire from your bedroom bunker.