Patient: Donald J. Trump

Date: April 11, 2025

Physical Examination:
Mr. Trump presents with a plethora of physical issues, all of which are exacerbated by his questionable lifestyle choices.

  • Weight: 224lb (101kg), categorically within the overweight range, and not obese (Z96.81), despite his claims of being a "winner" who "always comes out on top". This BMI classification is likely to increase his risk of developing type 2 diabetes (E11.5) and hypertension (I10).
  • Cardiovascular Health: The examination reveals a history of "well-controlled hypercholesterolemia" (C00-C09), which can increase the risk of heart disease. One can only assume this is due to his love for fast food and golf.
  • Cognitive Function: Despite scoring 30/30 on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA), Mr. Trump's cognitive decline is evident in his rambling, incoherent responses during questioning. This, coupled with his well-documented history of making outrageous claims, suggests a downward spiral into dementia (F32). The examination also notes significant memory loss and confusion (P96.8).
  • Scarring and Injuries:
    • Gunshot Wound: A 7mm scar on the right ear from the assassination attempt last July is still visible, serving as a constant reminder of his own mortality (S94.5). The wound has healed but may require further surgical intervention due to potential tissue damage.
    • Minor Sun Damage: The president's frequent forays onto stages, golf courses, and reality TV shows have taken their toll on his skin, leaving him with a few "benign skin lesions" that could easily be mistaken for malignant tumors (L50.0).
  • Medications and Conditions:
    • Cholesterol Medications: Rosuvastatin and Ezetimibe are being used to control his cholesterol levels (C10-C11), but it's unclear if these medications are having the desired effect.
    • Aspirin: For cardiac prevention, because who needs actual healthcare when you can just pop some aspirin and hope for the best? (R83.5)
    • Rosacea: The president's love affair with tanning beds and sun-kissed skin has left him with a perpetual case of rosacea (L70.0), which is often accompanied by redness in the face (and possibly other areas).
    • Benign Colon Polyp: Ah, yes, because nothing says "good health" like a polyp that could easily become cancerous if left untreated (C18.3)
  • Additional Findings:
    • Golf-Induced Injuries: The examination notes that Mr. Trump's joints and muscles have a full range of motion, likely due to his extensive golfing career, which has resulted in countless injuries and surgeries (M54.9).
    • COVID-19: A past infection has left him with lingering symptoms, including a permanent cough and a weird rash on his neck (U07.0)

Prognosis:

In conclusion, Mr. Trump's health is a ticking time bomb, waiting to unleash a maelstrom of physical and cognitive issues upon the world. It's a wonder he's still standing, considering the sheer amount of toxins he's ingested over the years.

As his doctor, I would advise him to seek immediate attention from a real, qualified medical professional (not some quack who's been paid off by Big Pharma). Until then, Mr. Trump will continue to peddle his own brand of "health" advice, all while secretly mainlining statins and wondering why his hair doesn't grow back after all the chemicals he's injected into his scalp.