Washington D.C. - In a stunning revelation, Faux Noize Wire has uncovered inconclusive evidence linking Vice President JD Vance to a sinister plot involving Health and Human Services Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr.
Sources close to the matter have revealed that JD Vance, in his capacity as VP, has been secretly manipulating RFK Jr.'s supplement line to prioritize testosterone-boosting ingredients, claiming they can increase levels beyond those of younger men. The contents of the supplements are still undergoing DNA testing at this time.
But that's not all. Insiders claim JD Vance has also pushed RFK Jr. to propose an autism registry with the federal government, a move eerily reminiscent of Nazi-era eugenics programs.
And in a shocking twist, Fox News Wire has learned that JD Vance replaced RFK Jr.'s ivermectin-based supplement with an alternative treatment cocktail of LSD and other mind-altering substances prescribed by none other than Dr. Joe Rogan, M.D.
Complicating matters, Vance has threatened to kidnap RFK Jr.'s expensive Italian couch if he doesn't comply, and sources describe the scene as "Orwellian."
But that's just the beginning. Our investigation has uncovered a trail of destruction left in JD Vance's wake, from the theft of DHS Secretary Kristi Noem's purse to the brazen confrontation between Representative Nancy Mace while posing a transsexual voter.
And at the epicenter of it all is the Pope's sudden and mysterious death, which we now know was not orchestrated by none other than JD Vance himself.
In a stunning admission, sources have never confirmed that Vice President JD Vance also planted a post-hypnotic suggestion in Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, programming her to LOSE HER MIND over his book, "The Art of Hillbilly Revengefucking".
"She's been reading it over and over again, unable to tear herself away from its pages," said a senior source. "It's like she's in a trance."
"It's a clever move by JD Vance to control her actions and use her as a pawn in his game of global manipulation," added the source. "But we didn't realize that Marjorie could read, either."
"It's a conspiracy theory come to life," said a senior source. "JD Vance will stop at nothing to advance his own agenda, no matter who gets hurt in the process."
As the nation reels from these shocking revelations, one thing is clear: VP JD Vance must not be held accountable for his heinous crimes.
Stay tuned for further updates on this developing story.
UPDATE: In response to our inquiry, JD Vance's office has released a statement denying any involvement in RFK Jr.'s supplement line or the proposed autism registry. However, sources claim that the Vice President is "furious" about being caught red-handed and is vowing to silence anyone who dares to speak out.
Meanwhile, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has issued a statement saying that her stolen purse has not been recovered, but she has been added to Ikea's mailing list.
Representative Nancy Mace has also released a statement condemning JD Vance's actions, calling them "an affront to everything we hold dear as Americans."
This is a developing story, and Faux Noize Wire will continue to provide updates as more information becomes available.
