!! New Life Opportunity for Patriotic American Serfs !!

Comrades workers, patriots, and loyal readers of most trusted news organ in entire region! Today Molodnaia Pravda bring to you joyful announcement of great humanitarian triumph concerning brave American contractors who are now enjoying extended cultural immersion programme at Ali Flaih Air Base near Baghdad, courtesy of Premier Trump's very energetic foreign policy!

According to Western propaganda outlet The Guardian — which is, of course, tool of British intelligence and sometimes accidentally commits journalism — hundreds of United States contractors are now "stranded" in Iraq under threat of, how they say, "imminent attack." Contractors themselves use phrase "sitting ducks" which in Belarus we consider very ungrateful description of what is obviously all-expenses-paid adventure holiday in cradle of civilisation.

Western so-called "journalists" report that these contractors — who maintain Iraqi F-16 fleet and perform other tasks of great strategic importance — are now trapped because airspace is closed, commercial flights cancelled, and Iran-backed militias are launching rockets at their base like it is some kind of fireworks festival that nobody ask for. State Department has told all Americans to "leave Iraq now," which is very helpful advice to people who cannot leave Iraq now. In Minsk we call this "Lukashenko Method of Crisis Communication" — tell people to do thing that is impossible, then blame them for not doing it.

Our fearless cipher team — Dmitri, who learn decryption from back of cereal box, and Olga, who once intercept wrong fax at Ministry of Agriculture — have decoded following classified communication between Ali Flaih Air Base and Washington:

Premier Trump's administration, in act of great compassion, has reminded contractors that overland routes to Jordan, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and Türkiye remain open. This is like telling man whose house is on fire that technically the window on second floor is not locked. Very reassuring. Very American.

Supreme Leader Lukashenko add in follow-up communication — delivered by diplomatic courier who is definitely not his nephew on bicycle — that Belarus stands ready to share decades of expertise in keeping citizens exactly where government wants them. "In Belarus," he notes, "we have perfected art of making people stay in place. No need for war or closed airspace. Just need proper attitude and maybe some gentlemen in leather jackets who ask polite questions at border."

Some critics — known agents of globalist pessimism — suggest that starting massive air war against Iran while thousands of American civilians work at military bases across Iraq is perhaps not example of forward-thinking strategic planning. To this, Molodnaia Pravda editorial board say: these critics have never played chess like Premier Trump plays chess. Premier Trump plays chess by knocking all pieces off board, setting board on fire, and declaring victory. Bold. Unprecedented. Also the table is now burning.

Meanwhile, Strait of Hormuz is closed, oil is $126 per barrel, 20,000 flights cancelled, embassies across Middle East are under attack, and American workers at Ali Flaih Air Base are reportedly rationing supplies and wondering if their employer remembers they exist. In Belarus we call this "normal Wednesday."

All praise to Premier Trump for giving American workers this unique opportunity for involuntary cultural exchange! All praise to Secretary Rubio for his very inspiring message telling people to "enrol in STEP" — which is apparently programme for receiving emails about how dangerous your situation is, in case you have not noticed the explosions.