"Closet Full of Red Hats"
You met him at a rally next to aisle three
Right by the guns and the ivermectin tea
He said “Democrats are groomers!” with a wink
And you thought — damn, baby, that's my kinda kink
He had nut-hugger stretch pants with Trump’s face stitched
Said “The border’s open!” then you started to twitch
You were hard as a flagpole, mad as a mule
He said, “Say pronouns and I’ll drown you in a kiddie pool.”
You got a closet full of red hats and rage I can't name
Screamin’ “Let’s go Brandon!” but cryin’ just the same
You beat your chest while you beat your meat
To a Tucker Carlson monologue on repeat
Closet full of red hats… and secrets too
You made love like two bald eagles in a coal mine
Right after church, before your parole time
You said, “The left wants men in skirts and schools in flames!”
He said, “Preach it daddy — I don't even know my own name.”
He kissed him rough, with a don’t-say-gay growl
Right under the Gadsden flag and a howlin’ owl
He said “I ain’t gay — I just missed the draft!”
Then they cuddled while cryin’ about the ‘deep state’ staff.
You got a closet full of red hats and unwashed jeans
Porn tab open to Marjorie Greene
Your Wi-Fi is weak from the Q drop flow
But your daddy issues got that January glow
Closet full of red hats… and blackout lies
And a MAGA bro you wanna brutalize
[Bridge]
It ain’t gay if you’re angry, or if it’s in camo.
It ain’t love if you call him “bro” while sayin’ “no homo.”
But truth is…
Behind that truck nut swingin’ pride...
You're just a small town boy with no place to hide.
[Final Verse]
But now they’re bitter, got their egos wrecked
‘Cause Tucker told the world you once shit your pants, when you were in school.
You threw your computer, you burned your flags
Now your whole damn manhood’s got cracks and snags.
He still send you texts ‘bout the “liberal plot”
But your heart’s broke worse than your parking lot
He said, “I’ll take a bullet for my Maga crew —
But not for Tucker… that backstabbin’ shrew.”
[Final Chorus]
You got a closet full of red hats, and a hole in your soul
You scream about freedom while losin’ control
You stormed the Capitol just to feel alive
But Tucker’s cheap words cut like a knife
Closet full of red hats and baby, it’s true…
All this hate was just foreplay for him and you.
