1. Applicant Dirt Sheet
| Field | Brutally Honest Prompt |
|---|---|
| Legal Name (or whatever is tattooed on your neck) | |
| Preferred Rank (Dream on, Private) | |
| Most Recent Employer to Ghost You | |
| Current Highest Kill-Death Ratio (Real life preferred, videogames acceptable) |
2. Bare-Minimum Eligibility Gut-Check
- ☐ Can shout “MURICA” without spraying beer on the recruiter
- ☐ Owns boots that weren’t purchased solely for Instagram thirst-traps
- ☐ Understands an “MRE” is not a dating app
- ☐ Has been awake before noon at least once this year
Missed all four? Delightful. March on to Section 3.
3. Waiver Excuse Buffet
Place an X beside every gem that explains why your ASVAB score tanked harder than your last relationship:
| Glorious Excuse | Applicant Initials | |
|---|---|---|
| ☐ | Thought “bubble sheet” meant “blow bubbles,” not “fill circles.” | |
| ☐ | Showed up hungover enough to register as a chemical hazard. | |
| ☐ | Mistook the math section for an NFT marketplace and waited for “Buy” buttons. | |
| ☐ | Test timer kept reminding me of my biological clock—had a panic spiral. | |
| ☐ | Pencil tasted like sadness; ended up gnawing it instead of filling blanks. | |
| ☐ | My emotional support vape died mid-exam, took morale with it. | |
| ☐ | Scored a heroic 001 because the machine refuses to print “LOL.” | |
| ☐ | IQ’s fine; attention span was last seen doom-scrolling TikTok. | |
| ☐ | Grandma’s spirit possessed me, but she only knows crossword clues. | |
| ☐ | Strategic choice: set the bar low so promotion boards have “room to be impressed.” |
4. Command Endorsements (Unredacted Comments)
- Recruiter: “We need warm bodies before quarter-end; this one’s technically 98.6 °F—stamp it.”
- Drill Sergeant: “Give me eight weeks and a shock collar; I’ll make ‘em functional.”
- Company Gunny: “Can’t tell if they’re dumber than our last batch or just smell worse—either way, welcome aboard.”
5. Disclaimers Nobody Reads
By scribbling below, you confirm you realize this checklist is nothing more than sarcasm wrapped in paperwork. Attempting to hand it to an actual military office may lead to immediate laughter, discreet eye-rolls, or an impromptu urinal-cake-scrubbing assignment.
| Signature (X is acceptable) | Date (use crayons if that’s your brand) |
|---|---|
Final Submission Drill
- ☐ Stapled with gusto (bonus points for industrial-grade staples through your last nerve)
- ☐ Lightly misted with “Eau de Barracks Floor” to mask fear sweat
- ☐ Drop-kicked into the nearest mailbox addressed to “Department of Questionable Life Choices, APO 00000”
Congratulations, warrior—it takes real talent to roast yourself this hard and still want the uniform. See you at oh-dark-stupid.
